The Bast°°rd


I get home

Fling off my slouchy boots and lie upside down on the bed. The radio is blaring from the bathroom. My aunt left the door open while on the loo (bit embarrassing…more so for me)

The dogs (Mother and Son) are scrabbling and fighting in the doorway

Whatsapp tweet tweet

Bastard: ZzZzZzZz

We hadn’t been in contact today. Something in me didn’t feel like seeing him…

Me: Hahaha sei sleepy?

or me?

(we speak Itanglish Engalian cocknalian essexalian mishmash)

Bastard: 8.30 hours last night


(we are sleep calculators – both love a good night’s kip and ^storti^ if we don’t get enough)

Bastard: Did you speak with your parents???

… blah blah normal chit chat… it’s nice … normal … and nice…

We talk about the Italian food culture then BOOM

Bastard: Do you like this guy?

(Pic of hot guy)

Bastard cont: Wanna be f**ked by him


I stare at my phone for a moment

I am not shocked

It’s the second guy this month to ask me something ‘del genere’ and the third guy this year

Same intentions

Different circumstances

Bastard: Un model

(He may be a model but what is that supposed to do to me? Move me? Make me say – ‘Oh well g’on then – since he’s a model – why not!!!’) Has everyone gone mad?

Me: Why are you asking me this?  (Trying to bring some sanity to an insane conversation)

Bastard: Troia (which literally means whore)

Me: You’re a complete bastard. And where did you find this model?

Bastard: Is a friend of mine. Want u??

Me: Why do you want to give me to your friend? NO

Bastard: Gets me horny

Me: You want to sell me to him!!!

Bastard: No just want to see ya fuck with another guy. In front of me. Succhia cazzi

Me: No. Who are you today? Doctor Jekyll or Mr Hyde?

He sends me a devil face

Me: Non avevo dubbi


Note to self: Looks can be deceptive

Post it: Be careful

Reminder: Walk away far far away


Open another whatsapp convo (UK – Italy)

Best friend: What’s up?

Me: (I explain all … well not all – she doesn’t know the worst yet – nor do you, the reader – but I’ll save that for another episode)

Best friend: Be careful.

I want you to find someone normal.

These men are attracted to you cause you’re free and wild and they try to trap you.

Me: It’s like I’m their possession

Best friend: You don’t belong to him

Me: I’m coming home

Best friend: Good. I’m worried about you going out with him and his friends. You said he was violent.

Me: I know. Don’t worry. I just don’t get why all these guys want to sell me to their friends. Like I’m a doll? I am not their toy. Their porno star!

Best friend: These men want to break you

Me: I know! Why is that?

Best friend: It’s because you’re free and in their backwardness and chauvinism they have to put you in your place.

Prove their manliness

They’re cavemen

Me: You’re right. Fuck!! Some of the stuff he has said you would not like at all. U would have bitten his willy off cause of it!

Best friend: Lol

Me: The tongue was a warning (I’ll explain reader… the Tongue)

Best friend: I need to charge my phone. Keep writing… I’ll write back in a bit…


Note to self: Write to friends

Post it: Listen to their advice

Reminder: Meditate


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