Gorging – la tortura del cibo

I pour my two coffees at breakfast

Uncle: Sta bevendo 2 caffè!!!!

Everyone arrives in the kitchen! (The food police!?)

Aunt: Ti fanno male!

Me: I’ve drunk 2 coffees for the past 10 years and I’m not dead yet!

Aunt: Si ma io ne bevo una tazza alle 8 poi un’altra alle 8.30 – con na’ mezz’oretta in mezzo (getting angry – capisco – as she lights her cigarette)

Me la fai una?

Me: Ok

Aunt: But two coffees are bad for you

Me: (in my head) you drink 8 CUPS A DAYYYYY!!!! And smoke!!!!!!

(out loud) It’s my only habit! Mio l’unico vizio

Aunt: Ma si possono cambiare l’abitudini!

Me: (in my head) well quit smoking then!

(out loud) è vero!

Aunt: Con lo stomaco vuoto pure’….

(she’s incazzata)

Me: (in my head) aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

 

Man / Beast?

Does anything in excess become disgusting?

Food/Sex/Shopping?

The grotesque food culture has always shocked me!

If I’m hungry I eat. If I’m not – I don’t.

If I’m not hungry why try to force me to eat?

Boyfriends, relations, friends … It’s all about food.

Do you remember when you were a child and you couldn’t leave the table until you’d polished off your plate? Well, that happens here, only it’s your husband, aunt, friend doing the force feeding – 20 years on!!!

If I’m sick:  ‘è perchè non mangi bene!’

If I’m tired: ‘è perchè non mangi bene!’

If the boyfriend calls, first question: ‘che hai mangiato?’

At lunch: ‘che mangiamo stasera?’ (already planning their dinner with la bocca still piena)

If they are still hungry after they’ve finished their meal: ‘mangia‘ they tell you – so they feel less guilty about not fulfilling their own appetite to the max…..

MANGIA MANGIA MANGIA 

….

Obsession

Food addicts – then they complain that they’re fat, have cellulite, have put on 2 kilos – as they spread lard on their toast and try to make me eat when I’m not hungry!

Food glorious food

WTF?!

 

*verb (used with object), gorged, gorg·ing.

to stuff with food (usually used reflexively or passively): He gorged himself. They were gorged.

to swallow, especially greedily.

to choke up (usually used passively).

verb (used without object), gorged, gorg·ing.
to eat greedily

 

Note to self: eat with English/Americans/non-Italians/avoid meal times with the ‘family’

Memo: more people at the table = less concentration on what you’re eating

Reminder: they are Italian they are Italian they are food Aliens they are Italian

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Ho Ho Ho …. down under (contains strong language & scenes of a sexual nature)

six-pack-abs

The Bast°°d = incredibly good looking ex soap star

Where = on set (the costume truck – he has his top off:I have my jeans ’round my ankles – there is a flimsy sheet separating us)

Initial reaction = both avoid eye contact, not my type, probs has a BIG EGO

First convo = in a ski-lift (undulating in Pausa)

About = renting his apartment

Seems = pretty normal…wow refreshingly…we click

 

(1 month later…)

Whatsapp tweet tweet: (The following conversation contains strong language and scenes of a shocking nature)

 

Bastard: Fuck off

Only 3 persons

Me, m8 and the owner

No persons!

Il nulla!

Back home at 7!

Only 5.30 sleep

 

(as I mentioned we hate lack of sleep)

 

Bastard cont: I am very tired

FUCKKK!

and I need to f**k ur ass you stupid slut!

Where are you ‘Zoccola’ ?

 

(ignoring the last comments)

Me: Well at least your hunches were right – you shouldn’t have gone.

I had an adventure this morning managgia!

My friend left early

her house is in buco del nulla

I get up tranquillissima

faccio la doccia con calma tutta calma

chiamo un taxi

no taxis

non so dove sono

I have 40 mins to get to work

Bastard: 🙂 (lots of laughing emoticons)

Me: run – find a street

Bastard: 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Me: runnnnnn

Find a busssss

Runnnnnnn

Bastard: 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Me: Find a metro

Runnnnnnnnnnnn

Bastard: Get google maps

Me: find a taxi

(don’t have wifi)

Runnnnnnn

and make it

just as the boss is leaving

cazzoooo!!!

Bastard: 🙂 🙂 🙂

Me: Mi sentivo in un bond film

Today there are 2 Aussies at work – they’re friendly with me

then 3 gatti

Bastard: Nooooooooo

Ask ’em if we can go down under

OZ for life!!!

Me: Yes I told them!

Bastard: Let’s go der

Daiii

when???

Me: haha – Io devo risparmiare x un viaggio in OZ

but I wanna go there

Bastard: Der we can work

No problem

Drugs

Weaponz

And stuff

$$$$$$$$$

 

(I push the button ignore in brain)

Me: Such a criminal mind!!!!!

Bastard: Certo che si può’ lavorare in un farm

Ottimo and contemporaneamente

Prostitution and….

prostitution…

Me: No d**k head

No prostitution

Odiiooooooooo

Questa storia della prozzis mi finisce!

I’ll stay on the farm and marry a farmer

Bastard: Me gigolo fo men

You in a farm

(did he just say for men????)

Me: Gigolo for men?

Bastard: Yes men and women

$$$$$$$$

Me: (Worried emoticons)

Bastard: $ Bitch

Me: Va beh! It’s your choice – your life!

Bastard: Dai – let’s go der

Me: I’m leaving the country

Bastard: When?

Let me sell my house and let’s go

Me: Why do you wanna go with me? You can go alone and sell your ass alone, no?

Bastard: Cuz your body = $

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

Noooooooooo

I have got nothing to do with this

I just mentioned about a farm

You’re the one wanting men and women

I thought you just wanted rich old ladies?

(when we went to the cinema it came out that he would do rich old ladies for $$ I am never quite sure of his sincerity or if he is having me on!)

 

Bastard: Silly stupid bitch

Me: Now you’re telling me you’ll go with guys too! Bah! Life choices!!!

My choice is a new life!!

Bastard: No ass fo rent

Only my cock

Just to push in

Not to get in

Me play only the man!

Me: Va beh!

Bastard: I only know that you are a slut

And I need to come

At what time you come back?

 

(I’ve zoned out – switched off – gone away – off to another fairy land far farrrr away from this)

 

Me: I don’t know if you’re being serious or not?

About the men?

Nothing shocks me anymore – who knows?!

 

So uomini o no uomini?

 

Bastard: haahahah no only gals any age or granny no problem til 85!

Me: Fuckkkkk!

 

He then sent me a porn video I immediately deleted

Bastard: Datz life

 

Me: Oh my god another Aussie just came in

I think he’s gaio

Bastard: Vaiiiiiiiiii present me him!

 

Cut conversation – back to work

WTF?

 

Note to self: Find a church and go to confession, go to confession, go to confession

Memo: This is just character research

Reminder: delete delete cancel delete

Post it: Things can only get … :-S better!