I pour my two coffees at breakfast
Uncle: Sta bevendo 2 caffè!!!!
Everyone arrives in the kitchen! (The food police!?)
Aunt: Ti fanno male!
Me: I’ve drunk 2 coffees for the past 10 years and I’m not dead yet!
Aunt: Si ma io ne bevo una tazza alle 8 poi un’altra alle 8.30 – con na’ mezz’oretta in mezzo (getting angry – capisco – as she lights her cigarette)
Me la fai una?
Aunt: But two coffees are bad for you
Me: (in my head) you drink 8 CUPS A DAYYYYY!!!! And smoke!!!!!!
(out loud) It’s my only habit! Mio l’unico vizio
Aunt: Ma si possono cambiare l’abitudini!
Me: (in my head) well quit smoking then!
(out loud) è vero!
Aunt: Con lo stomaco vuoto pure’….
Me: (in my head) aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh
Man / Beast?
Does anything in excess become disgusting?
The grotesque food culture has always shocked me!
If I’m hungry I eat. If I’m not – I don’t.
If I’m not hungry why try to force me to eat?
Boyfriends, relations, friends … It’s all about food.
Do you remember when you were a child and you couldn’t leave the table until you’d polished off your plate? Well, that happens here, only it’s your husband, aunt, friend doing the force feeding – 20 years on!!!
If I’m sick: ‘è perchè non mangi bene!’
If I’m tired: ‘è perchè non mangi bene!’
If the boyfriend calls, first question: ‘che hai mangiato?’
At lunch: ‘che mangiamo stasera?’ (already planning their dinner with la bocca still piena)
If they are still hungry after they’ve finished their meal: ‘mangia‘ they tell you – so they feel less guilty about not fulfilling their own appetite to the max…..
MANGIA MANGIA MANGIA
Food addicts – then they complain that they’re fat, have cellulite, have put on 2 kilos – as they spread lard on their toast and try to make me eat when I’m not hungry!
Food glorious food
*verb (used with object), gorged, gorg·ing.
to stuff with food (usually used reflexively or passively): He gorged himself. They were gorged.
to swallow, especially greedily.
to choke up (usually used passively).
verb (used without object), gorged, gorg·ing.
to eat greedily
Note to self: eat with English/Americans/non-Italians/avoid meal times with the ‘family’
Memo: more people at the table = less concentration on what you’re eating
Reminder: they are Italian they are Italian they are food Aliens they are Italian
The Bast°°d = incredibly good looking ex soap star
Where = on set (the costume truck – he has his top off:I have my jeans ’round my ankles – there is a flimsy sheet separating us)
Initial reaction = both avoid eye contact, not my type, probs has a BIG EGO
First convo = in a ski-lift (undulating in Pausa)
About = renting his apartment
Seems = pretty normal…wow refreshingly…we click
(1 month later…)
Whatsapp tweet tweet: (The following conversation contains strong language and scenes of a shocking nature)
Bastard: Fuck off
Only 3 persons
Me, m8 and the owner
Back home at 7!
Only 5.30 sleep
(as I mentioned we hate lack of sleep)
Bastard cont: I am very tired
and I need to f**k ur ass you stupid slut!
Where are you ‘Zoccola’ ?
(ignoring the last comments)
Me: Well at least your hunches were right – you shouldn’t have gone.
I had an adventure this morning managgia!
My friend left early
her house is in buco del nulla
I get up tranquillissima
faccio la doccia con calma tutta calma
chiamo un taxi
non so dove sono
I have 40 mins to get to work
Bastard: 🙂 (lots of laughing emoticons)
Me: run – find a street
Bastard: 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Find a busssss
Bastard: 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Me: Find a metro
Bastard: Get google maps
Me: find a taxi
(don’t have wifi)
and make it
just as the boss is leaving
Bastard: 🙂 🙂 🙂
Me: Mi sentivo in un bond film
Today there are 2 Aussies at work – they’re friendly with me
then 3 gatti
Ask ’em if we can go down under
OZ for life!!!
Me: Yes I told them!
Bastard: Let’s go der
Me: haha – Io devo risparmiare x un viaggio in OZ
but I wanna go there
Bastard: Der we can work
(I push the button ignore in brain)
Me: Such a criminal mind!!!!!
Bastard: Certo che si può’ lavorare in un farm
Ottimo and contemporaneamente
Me: No d**k head
Questa storia della prozzis mi finisce!
I’ll stay on the farm and marry a farmer
Bastard: Me gigolo fo men
You in a farm
(did he just say for men????)
Me: Gigolo for men?
Bastard: Yes men and women
Me: (Worried emoticons)
Bastard: $ Bitch
Me: Va beh! It’s your choice – your life!
Bastard: Dai – let’s go der
Me: I’m leaving the country
Let me sell my house and let’s go
Me: Why do you wanna go with me? You can go alone and sell your ass alone, no?
Bastard: Cuz your body = $
I have got nothing to do with this
I just mentioned about a farm
You’re the one wanting men and women
I thought you just wanted rich old ladies?
(when we went to the cinema it came out that he would do rich old ladies for $$ I am never quite sure of his sincerity or if he is having me on!)
Bastard: Silly stupid bitch
Me: Now you’re telling me you’ll go with guys too! Bah! Life choices!!!
My choice is a new life!!
Bastard: No ass fo rent
Only my cock
Just to push in
Not to get in
Me play only the man!
Me: Va beh!
Bastard: I only know that you are a slut
And I need to come
At what time you come back?
(I’ve zoned out – switched off – gone away – off to another fairy land far farrrr away from this)
Me: I don’t know if you’re being serious or not?
About the men?
Nothing shocks me anymore – who knows?!
So uomini o no uomini?
Bastard: haahahah no only gals any age or granny no problem til 85!
He then sent me a porn video I immediately deleted
Bastard: Datz life
Me: Oh my god another Aussie just came in
I think he’s gaio
Bastard: Vaiiiiiiiiii present me him!
Cut conversation – back to work
Note to self: Find a church and go to confession, go to confession, go to confession
Memo: This is just character research
Reminder: delete delete cancel delete
Post it: Things can only get … :-S better!
I get home
Fling off my slouchy boots and lie upside down on the bed. The radio is blaring from the bathroom. My aunt left the door open while on the loo (bit embarrassing…more so for me)
The dogs (Mother and Son) are scrabbling and fighting in the doorway
Whatsapp tweet tweet
We hadn’t been in contact today. Something in me didn’t feel like seeing him…
Me: Hahaha sei sleepy?
(we speak Itanglish Engalian cocknalian essexalian mishmash)
Bastard: 8.30 hours last night
(we are sleep calculators – both love a good night’s kip and ^storti^ if we don’t get enough)
Bastard: Did you speak with your parents???
… blah blah normal chit chat… it’s nice … normal … and nice…
We talk about the Italian food culture then BOOM
Bastard: Do you like this guy?
(Pic of hot guy)
Bastard cont: Wanna be f**ked by him
I stare at my phone for a moment
I am not shocked
It’s the second guy this month to ask me something ‘del genere’ and the third guy this year
Bastard: Un model
(He may be a model but what is that supposed to do to me? Move me? Make me say – ‘Oh well g’on then – since he’s a model – why not!!!’) Has everyone gone mad?
Me: Why are you asking me this? (Trying to bring some sanity to an insane conversation)
Bastard: Troia (which literally means whore)
Me: You’re a complete bastard. And where did you find this model?
Bastard: Is a friend of mine. Want u??
Me: Why do you want to give me to your friend? NO
Bastard: Gets me horny
Me: You want to sell me to him!!!
Bastard: No just want to see ya fuck with another guy. In front of me. Succhia cazzi
Me: No. Who are you today? Doctor Jekyll or Mr Hyde?
He sends me a devil face
Me: Non avevo dubbi
Note to self: Looks can be deceptive
Post it: Be careful
Reminder: Walk away far far away
Open another whatsapp convo (UK – Italy)
Best friend: What’s up?
Me: (I explain all … well not all – she doesn’t know the worst yet – nor do you, the reader – but I’ll save that for another episode)
Best friend: Be careful.
I want you to find someone normal.
These men are attracted to you cause you’re free and wild and they try to trap you.
Me: It’s like I’m their possession
Best friend: You don’t belong to him
Me: I’m coming home
Best friend: Good. I’m worried about you going out with him and his friends. You said he was violent.
Me: I know. Don’t worry. I just don’t get why all these guys want to sell me to their friends. Like I’m a doll? I am not their toy. Their porno star!
Best friend: These men want to break you
Me: I know! Why is that?
Best friend: It’s because you’re free and in their backwardness and chauvinism they have to put you in your place.
Prove their manliness
Me: You’re right. Fuck!! Some of the stuff he has said you would not like at all. U would have bitten his willy off cause of it!
Best friend: Lol
Me: The tongue was a warning (I’ll explain reader… the Tongue)
Best friend: I need to charge my phone. Keep writing… I’ll write back in a bit…
Note to self: Write to friends
Post it: Listen to their advice
Me – off sick… scrolling through Linkedin – time to connect – tick, tick, add, add
Lay back down
Sit back up
Add, add, add… don’t add (weirdo) add, add, add… Nah (weirdo)
You have 1 new message
(Something in me – that little voice of wisdom – is already trying to block the convo)
Stranger: (in Italian) May I say you have La Bellezza of a woman from the 1960s
Me: Yeah, I should have been born then 😉 (trying to cut short)
Stranger: I’m a director
(I can’t be rude – something in me won’t let me be rude – because of those three stupid words ‘I’m a director’!! So frigging what?! You’re not Jesus. You’re a director – so you think you are a miracle man? “Woooowww”)
Stranger(cre..): You in Rome
Me: Yeah between Rome and Home.
Stranger(cree..): So you’re not Italian?
Stranger(cree..): So you speak good English
Me: (Um yeahhhh it’s my first frigging language!) Yes – mother-tongue
Stranger(creep…): Listen – how about you translate my film and I’ll give you a little present – I’ll give you a little scene in my film!
Me: (F**K OFFFF!!!) Um, I work professionally both as an actress and a translator – If you want to hire me you have to go through the normal procedures: agents.
Stranger(creepy…c): When you gonna take it? (quando prendi?)
Me: (D**K HEAD YOU THINK YOU’RE FUNNY!) Che?
(Quando prendi in Italian can be interpreted as when are you gonna take my d**k!!)
Stranger(creepy…cr):Oops I meant ‘quanto prendi!) hahaha ‘how much’…
I try to side track the conversation. Instincts screaming: back away – back away NOW
Stranger (creepy…cra): HOW MUCH?
Me: I’ll get back to you
Stranger (creepy…craw): HOW MUCH? HOW MUCH?
Me: I said I’ll get back to you
Stranger (creepy…crawl): HOW MUCH?
Me: I am saying I’ll get back to you.
Stranger: (creepy…crawly): Yeah but HOW MUCH? HOW MUCH? HOW MUCH?
After some more How Much Ping Ponging –
Me: (O MY GOD HAS THIS DUDE GOT MENTAL ISSUES!!) ((I turn off FB))
An hour later
Stranger: (creepy…crawly): Yeah but HOW MUCH?
Unfriend. Block. Cancel. Delete. Cancello.
Note to self: Do not get sick.
Post it: Do not randomly click add.
Memo: Don’t talk to strangers
Reminder: Listen to that inner voice
They think they are invincible an’ they are really
No one can arrest them
They can do exactly as they please
Because the world is their ‘ostriche’ (sounds a bit like strangling to me – I don’t like that word in Italian – it’s a scrunched up word)
We’d been down by the tabaccaio, The Bastard and I
He needed to top up his phone “333…
I tried not to buy a scratch card (2 days in a row 2 scratch cards 1 win 5 euro loss)
Looking at the scratch cards made me want to pull down the whole Christmas tree coloured row
Not because I wanted to scratch them – just cause!
We stood at the cross roads with these strange structures that looked like hangman’s posts (as in the game hangman!)
He didn’t see the strangeness
Then he pointed up to a Giant – who apparently used to get into fights with everyone ‘le risse’ at school:
The Bastard: so anyway, as I was saying: what you do is, when you get money from whore-ing, you don’t put all the money in the bank. No, No, you put it in slot machines.
Me: (my face – disbelief/laughter) What?
The Bastard: Yeah, you put the money bit by bit in a slot machine and you don’t press play. So then you have like 20,000 euros in a slot and it’s your money so if the cops come along (la finanza)-
Me: -Quelle grigie?
The Bastard: -They can’t arrest you, cause it’s your gambling addiction that has made all the money! With some losses…
I sort of zoned out
All this talk of money and prostitutes and gambling and..
In my head…
TII – this is Italy… they get away with it